The Monument to Our Founder

Orville B. Offenfenster died in 1868 after amassing a large personal fortune earned by selling munitions. He was particularly succesful during the Civil War. Even-handed in his dealings with both sides, he was probably responsible for prolonging the war by a full year through his practice of selling blanks to the side that "looked like it was getting too far ahead". In his will, he established a generous foundation for the express purpose of creating a home for the Arts here in Sheboygan. Without that "seed" money, doubtless the Arts would be as homeless here as in that hellhole Racine. Or God forbid, Madison, where their idea of "culture" is to order a hot-dog "avec" the trimmings. And don't get us started about Wausau, a place with remedial classes in nose-blowing.

But we digress. In 1969, the Museum commissioned a monument to the founder to celebrate our 100th anniversary. The selection committee settled on an abstract proposal for the monument. It was the Sixties. We personally would have preferred something a little more representational; Mr. Offenfenster on a horse perhaps. We admit to having a little bit of a "thing" for statues with horses, they're a most stirring sight. But we only have one vote on the committee, and that weasel Käsekopf switched his vote at the last moment.

The monument has arrived at the Museum finally. We don't understand it personally - we were rather hoping for something in marble, or bronze at least, but instead we get this plastic thing. We had paid for it, so we put it on display anyway, and we must admit that with its shape reminiscent of an artillery piece, it does have a certain military flair.

We must also admit that it does seem to create interest among our patrons - a surprising amount. Call us old-fashioned if you must, but we simply don't see why crowds of secretaries come to stare at this one exhibit, for their entire lunch-hours. Apparently the vagaries of the wind cause the thing to rise and fall, and they will alternately cheer each upswing, and "boo" each downturn. Incomprehensible.

Our assistant, Ms. Steinem, has so far been unable to obtain a satisfactory photograph of the monument; it appears that something caused the camera to shake every time she tried to take a picture. (Sneezing maybe?) Until a photograph is available, we will continue to publish the artist's sketch of the monument. (Artist's impression below).

The Offenfenster monument,
Artist's impression by Mr. D. U. Arschloch.